Sometimes

Sometimes when I'm feeling bad, I try to remember times when I felt good.  Luckily, when I feel *really* cute, I ask someone to snap my picture.  I found these pictures on my phone and I've been looking at them, trying to remember why on those particular days I felt good.

This was after Christmas, because I'm holding the awesome gift I got from my husband.  I started wearing red more because Dave and the kids took a poll and decided I looked the best in red.  I was happy this day because Dave and I went to lunch together, and it was warm enough that I only needed my red coat and not my huge parka.


I am not wearing a cactus headband in this photo.  That is the Christmas tree behind me.  I remember feeling like my hair looked nice and wasn't too poofy and you couldn't see my gray spot.  I was also happy because I liked how the white shirt with the huge collar I bought at Marshall's in October looked under my sweater dress.


This night we were going to dinner at the neighbor's house.  They're from Belgium, so we call them Les Belges, even though their real last name is Logan.  It took me a long time to iron my hair, but in the end I was happy because I felt younger.  Also, I felt sexy in my high-heeled boots!



It seems like winter is getting shorter, which is a good thing, because I'm always super cold.  This day I remember feeling cozy and warm and happy in the boots I bought in Dubai a couple of years ago.  I wear skinny jeans and tall socks over them to keep me warm on extra cold days.


This was New Year's Eve!  I was so excited that my hair curled up nicely and I finally had a reason to wear my sparkly shoes and necklace that I bought in California.  I was also really excited that my black pants from H&M still fit and how great the sparkly red nail polish that Abby got for Christmas made me feel fancy.  I was also ready to dance!  By the end of that night, my feet were killing me!


My analysis is that I feel good enough to want my picture taken when

1.  My hair looks nice
2.  My skin is clear
3.  I'm wearing boots?  ;)
4.  I'm happy on the inside.

I've been feeling pretty down lately, but I think things are going to get better.  I'm grateful for friends and family that have been there for me to talk to and give me advice and support to know what to do next.  Sometimes you don't need to know what's going to happen next in life, or even the next day, but just having people there to listen and help you remember the days that felt so good you wanted someone to take your picture.

xx,
stasha

Unhandled Exception

When life throws you an unhandled exception do you quit or continue?

February

It's the last day of February.  I waited all month for the huge change I thought was coming, and today's the last day.  So what has changed?  Well, I decided I hate cooking so much that I stopped worrying about what to make for dinner every night.  I stock up at Picard, the frozen food store, or serve chicken and mashed potatoes over and over again.  I've embraced that pretty well.

Dave started traveling for work again in February, but I can't really call that a huge change because he's done that for 10 years.  It had been a year since he really went anywhere, so it was easy to embrace him getting out of the house more.

But something did happen in February, something I feel really badly about that came out in the open and made me realize that I wasn't being a good mother.  I wasn't being fair, or equal or unconditional.  I can't share all the details because my kids are old enough to read, but one of them was brave enough to tell me "You don't treat me the same as you treat everyone else.  I try everything to  please you, and it's never good enough."

It's hard to hear the truth about yourself when it's not something very nice.  But it must be even harder to be on the receiving end of that behavior--especially when you're a kid.  So I changed.  Like cold turkey-180 degrees.  I listened to everything my child had to say and I changed.  I've been spending more time with that child.  Trying to find things that we have in common and saying out loud every nice thing that crosses through my mind.  Being kind and learning the love language that works the best.  I want each of my children to know that I love them, and that I'm on their side, equally, unconditionally.

I don't want to know what would have happened if my baby didn't have the courage to stand up to me.  But I'm glad it happened.  It allowed me to make a big change inside.  I know it's good, and I've embraced it.